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Cuisine Cuisine Funnies

 

If you like Jerry Seinfeld, you'll love this clip of Dan Nainan, often called the "Indian Seinfeld". Also check out the dead-on Bill Clinton impressions, as well as the George Bush, Arnold and Jesse Jackson impressions

Have You heard this One?

Google
 
Web www.CuisineCuisine.com

Indian Film Stars & Their Answering Machines

Amitabh - Han han mein chor hun, mein bazar mein kaladhandha karta hun, police ke record mein mera naam hai. Lekin mein akela nahin hun. Jao pahle ush admi ko msg de kar aao jisne mera baap ko chor kaha tha; Jao pahle ush admi ko msg de kar aao jisne meri maa ko gali deke naukri se nikal diya tha; jao pahle ush aadmi ko msg de kar aao jisne mere haath me yeh likh diya tha; Uske BAAD, Uske baad mere bhai tum jab chahoge tab mere m/c mein msg de dena.

Dharmendra - Kutte Kaminey, Agar tuune apni maa ki doodh piya hai to message chodde, warana mein tujhe jinda nahin chodunga.

AJIT's voicemail - Sari duniya mujhe white LION ke naamse janti hai, jabtak tum messages chhodoge hum bharat se bahut dur ja chuke honge, robert helicopter chalu karo !!

Ajit : "Smart move". Phone kiya aapne baaahot aaachha kiya Apka nam chod dijiye aur Mona apka phone louta degi ! Please Hiron ki aawaj sunte hi record karna !

Shatru : jis haram-zade ne call kiya hain ... mein us haram-zade ko zinda nahi chodunga... jaan se maar dunga

Shatru - AAahoy ! Ye Chenu ka answering m/c hai ! Seedhi taraha se message chhod de warna mai teri haddi pasli ek kardunga, ! haaa

Shatru - Apne Mangal ko phone kiya hai, koi phate hue tash ke tirpanve patte ko nahin ! Nam chod dena Ham patta khud jaan lenge !

Raj Kumar : Jaani. Shisheke gharome rahane wale pathar nahi pheka karate.Tum pathar mat pheko message chodo. Hum jara jaldi me hai.

Jaani yeh answering machine koi bacchon ka khel nahi. hum ko mita sake woh tumahre msg mein dum nahi.... hum se hain ye m/c .. m/c se hum nahi....

Pran - PATHAN ki ansering m/c.... HUM tereku bola msg chod de warna hum
pathan ka baccha tumara tangdi tod dega

Prem Chopra - hum woh hain jo shishe ko patthar se katate hain.... aaapke msg ki iit ka jawab patthar se denge.... BTW: Mera Naam hai Pre'm, He he Pre'm Chopra

KESTO - Ihhhiyaa ! saale message Chhod ! nahi to Batli de !! Ihhhiyaa! Jaldi kar HICH ! Apun ko janeka hai Ihhhiyaa ! ! hick! aay . hick! ye ansering hick! machine hick! msg ..

Asrani - AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHAAAA ! Phone kiya ! Tune phone kiya RRRRREEEEEE! Message rakh ! AAAAAAAAHHHHAAAAA !

Asrani -- adhe log 1 press karo.. adhe log 2 press karo... baki msg rakho.hum angrezon ke zamane ke jailar hain hA HAAAAAAA.. msg angrezimeinrakho.. HA HAAAAAAA

BINDU - Mera nam hai shabnam, pyar se log mujhe SHABBO kehate hai...Tumhara naan kya hai !!  Tina Mina, Anju, Manju Yaaa Madhuuu.

Shakti - aaauu lalita, Message chhod deee ! warna teri maa ki jaaan....Aaaauu lalita !! mera naam Balma... badriparsad lalanparsadmalapani... balma..Pyarasa... Nanhasa.. Chotasa ....Balmaa.  Aur mere kane
Chaku hai?

Mehmood - Kya bula tu. Mereku kya bola tu. Seedhi tarah se message rakhaneko bola ... Aur tum muh pe kuphal daal kai baithta kya

Mehmood2 - ayyo dyevi . tum kitna khoobsoorat msg chchodta ji.. Aum yakdam pagal O jata ji, Aiyo Wanga, Ider Aana, ayyo BinduSSS

Gabbar - soovar ke bachcho . main ghar mein nahi hu. ab tera kya hoga re kalia? raat ko jab tej tej phone ki ghanti bajti hai to maa kehti hai msg chchod beta varna gabbar nahi sunega ...  Yaad rahe Yaha se 50 50 mil ki
doori par jab koi baccha rota hai to maa kahati hai "beta so ja nahi togabbar singh ka voice mail Bolega...."

Basanti -yun ki hume jaada bukbuk karne ki aadat to hai nahi . agar mere liye msg hai to 1 dabana. agar mausi ke liye hai to 2 dabana . agar veeru ke liye hai to dono dabana . yun ki hume lamba msg rakhne ki aadat to hai
nahi... agar mere liye msg hai...to 1 dabana.......

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Guju Jokes

Why did the Gujju think the film Gandhi was about a woman?
Because Be(h)n Kingsley was in it.

A Gujju Business house?
Kalabhai-Salabhai.

Why did the Gujju go to Rome?
To listen to Pop(e) music.

Ghati Jokes 

Ghat jokes ( A little knowledge of Marathi might help )
Q :  What do you call a Maharashtrian in the U.S.?
A :  Western Ghat.

Q :  What does a Maharashtrian mean by "fast food"?
A :  Sabudana Khichdi.

Q :  What do you call a Maharashtrian who makes air-conditioners?
A :  Cool-karni.

Q :  What do you call a Maharashtrian whose father is missing?
A :  Ba-gul.

Q :  What would you call Urmila in the role of a monkey?
A :  Urmila MakkadTondkar.

Q :  Which is the highest office occupied by Maharashtrians in the U.S.A.?
A :  That of the Vice-President - Dan Quayle(Kale) & Al Gore. 

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Mumbai Jokes

Q :  How come the Bombay Ranji team has so many fast bowlers?
A :  West Indians are natural fast bowlers.

Q :  How do dogs in Dombivli (place near Bombay) wag their tails?
A :  Up & down. Because, they don't have enough space to wag sideways.

Q :  What did one tamarind in a sack tell its neighbor?
A :  "I feel as if I am traveling in a Bombay local". 

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Every community has its quirks. Many characteristics define a particular group of people and we sometimes find that we can sit back and laugh at these little things. 

With malice towards none ....
   SARDARJIS
   One Sardarji is a truck-driver.
   Two Sardarjis is a roadside dhaba.
   Three Sardarjis is a terrorist outfit.
   Four Sardarjis are always found in jokes.
 
   MALAYALEES
   One Malayalee is a narial-pani shop.
   Two Malayalees is a boat race.(chettan1 & chettan2)
   Three Malayalees is a Gulf job racket.
   Four Malayalees is an oil slick.
 
   TAMILIANS
   One Tamilian is a fugitive sandalwood smuggler.
   Two Tamilians is a suicide-bomb squad.
   Three Tamilians is a classical music school.
   Four Tamilians is a Jayalalitha fan club.
 
   KANNADIGAS
   One Kannadiga is a coffee estate.
   Two Kannadiga is a Udupi restaurant.
   Three Kannadiga is a pepper powder factor.
   Four Kannadiga is an anti-Cauvery demonstration.
 
   ANDHRAITES
   One Andhraite is a cycle-rickshaw driver.
   Two Andhraites is a spice shop.
   Three Andhraites is a Naxalite outfit.
   Four Andhraites is the Telugu film industry.
 
   BENGALIS
   One Bengali is a sweet shop.
   Two Bengalis is a black-and-white movie.
   Three Bengalis is a Mohun Bagan support group.
   Four Bengalis is a Marxist movement.
 
   RAJASTHANIS
   One Rajasthani is a cattle-seller.
   Two Rajasthanis is a mason.
   Three Rajasthanis is a puppetry outfit.
   Four Rajasthanis is a dance-drama.
 
   GOANS
   One Goan is Remo Fernandes.
   Two Goans is a Feni distillery.
   Three Goans is a football club.
   Four Goans is an all-night-long party.
 
   MANGALOREANS
   One Mangalorean is a betel-nut seller.
   Two Mangaloreans can't stand one another.
   Three Mangaloreans is a Udupi restaurant.
   Four Mangaloreans is a fanatical Konkani Sabha.
 
   BOMBAYITES
   One Bombayite is a hawker.
   Two Bombayites is a film industry.
   Three Bombayites is a bustling slum.
   Four Bombayites is the rush-hour train crowd.
 
   MAHARASHTRIANS
   One Maharashtrian is a bus conductor.
   Two Maharashtrians is a kabaddi player.
   Three Maharashtrians is a pickle factory.
   Four Maharashtrians is a Shiv Sena Shakha.
 
   GUJARATIS
   One Gujarati is a share broker in a Mumbai train.
   Two Gujaratis is the total chatter in a Mumbai train.
   Three Gujaratis is a rummy game in a Mumbai train.
   Four Gujaratis is a bhajan singing session in a Mumbai train.
 
   SINDHIS
   One Sindhi is a currency racket.
   Two Sindhis is a papad factory
   Three Sindhis is a duplicate goods shop.
   Four Sindhis is a lot of gas around (yeech!).
 
   BIHARIS
   One Bihari is Laloo Prasad Yadav.
   Two Biharis is a booth-capturing squad.
   Three Biharis is a caste killing.
   Four Biharis is the total literacy rate in the state.
 
   BHAIYYAS
   One Bhaiyya is a milkman.
   Two Bhaiyyas is a chanawala (or panipuri wala).
   Three Bhaiyyas is a temple-destruction squad.
   Four Bhaiyyas is a halwai shop.
   (And 12 Bhaiyyas is one SMALL, happy family).
 
   KASHMIRIS
   One Kashmiri is a boatman.
   Two Kashmiris is a carpet factory.
   Three Kashmiris is a tourist agency.
   Four Kashmiris is a Mujahadeen outfit.

Well here are some of the things that the Indian community settled in the US for a while might find familiar and funny..

You know someone who owns a motel or a convenience store.

You unwrap gifts very carefully, so you can save and reuse the wrapping (and especially those bows) next time.

You own a rice cooker or a pressure cooker.

You don't use measuring cups and measuring spoons while cooking. Every thing is a dash and a pinch............."and you know"

More to come ......Top

 

 

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